'RuPaul's Drag Race': Pandora Boxx Ru-cap
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I’m back again with this week’s RuCap of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I can’t believe it’s actually taken my five of these to realize I should be calling them RuCaps. Duh. Two words will say everything about this week’s episode: Snatch Game! Yes! This was absolutely my favorite challenge on the show. Making RuPaul laugh was like getting a kiss from Baby Jesus. If you haven’t seen Season 2 of RuPaul’s Drag race, what are you waiting for? It’s available on Netflix as well as DVD and no I don’t make money off of it, I just want to be famous! Notice me! Notice me!
I really just want to skip all the banter and such and jump right into the Snatch Game but I can’t not talk about what has to be my favorite mini-challenge ever. The Game Show is called Beat The Cock. Brills. The games in the show: Cock-a-Doodle Ru, Pluck a Duck and Choke the Rooster. Holy Glory Hole, these are giving me everything right now.
Cock-a-Doodle Ru is like Pin The Tail on The Donkey but in this case they use chickens and you have to pin them on Ru’s mouth. Pause. Please really think about this in order to let the sheer amazingness of it sink in. Put the chicken in Ru’s mouth. I die. Phi Phi wins but Sharon gets the biggest laugh by completely missing the Ru poster and pinning it on the pit crew. Am I the only one who wants to do dirty things with this pit crew? Spit roasting? Anyone?
The next game is Pluck-a-Duck and they must get a single feather across the finish line by only using their breath. Dida proves that she cannot only walk like a hooker; she can blow like one too. She wins. The only thing that would have made this better is for some Wipeout style big balls to knock them down while they were doing it.
The last game is Choke The Rooster. Notice I’m not even commenting on the name. I just can’t. Killing me! They have to get as many rings around the cock in the allotted time. Please reread that last sentence a few times to yourself and bask in the glory of this whole Game Show Challenge. Milan proves she can ring a cock and wins.
The grand finale of Beat The Cock pits Phi Phi, Dida and Milan against each other in Lay An Egg. The queens have to carry eggs “between me down there,” as RuPaul says. I. Just. Can’t. It’s brilliant! Not shockingly, Phi Phi knows how to lay an egg and wins. She wins a phone call home but does something actually shocking and gives her phone call to Chad Michaels. Phi Phi doesn’t act like an utter bitch for once. Me likey. Chad gets to call her partner Adam on their 8th anniversary. It’s touching and wonderful that we get to see a gay couple show their true love on international television. We have come a long way.
Now let’s do a rundown of who’s zooming who in the Snatch Game Challenge: Phi Phi O’Hara as Lady Gaga (she’s quick to tell us she’s hired all over the country for impersonating Gaga. Um, isn’t Gaga pasty white? Just saying.), Kenya Michaels as Beyonce (doesn’t she speak English?), Willam type casts himself as Jessica Simpson, Milan as Diana Ross, Sharon as Michelle Visage (to which Ru says, “Well, you know you are supposed to be portraying a woman.” I die, again.), Dida Ritz as Wendy Williams, Jiggly as Snooki, Latrice Royale as Aretha Franklin and surprising to absolutely no one Chad Michaels will be doing Cher. (Michelle Visage brings up later that Chad was playing it safe but I disagree. Chad is a well-known Cher impersonator. If Chad sucked at doing Cher, he’d have a lot to lose.)
Before I get to the actual Snatch Game itself, let’s just go over the two biggest mistakes contestants make on this challenge. Mistake #1: Just because you can look like a celebrity and lip sync their songs does NOT mean you can do them as full on character using your own words. Mistake #2: Not listening to RuPaul when he specifically says, make it funny. This season’s Snatch Game was a little bit of fabulousness sprinkled with train wreck.
I’m not going to give you a play by play of the Snatch Game because I’m going to assume if you are reading this RuCap, you have seen the episode. Before I give you the good, the bad and the ugly of Season 5’s Snatch Game, I have to say I adore Ross Matthews and Loretta Devine, who serve as the contestants/guest judges. Love! So, here we go.
The Good:
Chad Michaels! Chad Michaels! Chad Michaels! I say his name three times because I want him to appear in front of me and do some more Cher. “I’m Cher, bitch!” From the look to the voice, Chad embodied Cher but also did it with a sense of humor. Changing wigs for each question? Amazing! Chad/Cher also gives one of the best Snatch Game answers ever by saying, “I don’t give a rat’s ass because this game is boring the shit out of me. I don’t know why they booked me with these chicken shit gigs. I’m a fucking Oscar winner.”
Sharon Needles as Michelle Visage. This could have proved to be a big mistake for Ms. Needles but she pulled it off quite fabulously. It was a risk that paid off. Plus her response to Kenya’s Beyonce blaming her medication for her passing out was nothing short of sheer divinity. “That’s no excuse you should have seen what me and Ru were on at the Limelight. It’s all behind us now, we were on uppers, downers and candy corn.” This gal’s got balls of steel! It’s like when she talked about Natalie Cole’s drug use two weeks ago. She just says things that make you go, did she say what I think she said? Yes, yes she did.
Willam as her long lost sister Jessica Simpson. Willam’s often vacant, immovable face paired perfectly with Jessica Simpson. Willam plays dumb blond really well. Holding up the arrow pointing to Latrice’s Aretha for the Fatty Patty question just made me chuckle. Willam is growing on me and I’m liking his sense of humor. I like it because there is an underlying intelligence in his humor that you might miss because it’s padded with constantly rattling off his resume.
The Bad:
Everything else. All right, maybe not everything else but pretty close. The answers weren’t that funny. The characterizations weren’t there. Milan’s Diana Ross looked like she drank the potion from Death Becomes Her and had to piece herself together after falling down the stairs. Jiggly flops as Snooki or Jiggly with a bump-it. Latrice ate. Dida’s Wendy Williams gets lost in the mess of it all. Kenya was giving us Beyonce but she served us Honey Boo Boo Child Does Beyonce. Phi Phi had Gaga’s look but acted more like Grace Jones on a coke binge. I can’t believe after two seasons of this challenge that still some queens don’t get it.
The Ugly:
Latrice pretty much summed up the utter nonsense during the Snatch Game, “I thought the Snatch Game was the most Romper Room Fuckery that I’ve ever experienced in my life.” Amen. Sadly, Latrice’s annoyance showed in her performance. I’d be just as annoyed but it’s still a competition. It was like watching kindergarteners doing whatever they can to get the teacher’s attention. On top of it all, it was NOT remotely funny.
Rev. Latrice preaches on in the workroom after the Snatch Game, “I cannot believe the shenanigans in the front row. Completely unprofessional. Completely childish. That is NOT what I came here to do.” I’ll say amen again.
Willam also adds, “some of the younger people should have been more sportsmen like.” Another amen.
Then we get Phi Phi’s interview response, after giving Willam the nastiest look of the season (and for her that’s saying a lot), ”At her age she shouldn’t be such a bitch.” Well, Phi Phi, at your age you shouldn’t be such a cunt and I’m not talking about Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent, either.
Runway!
Ru’s feathery Best Little RuHouse in Texas outfit has me gagging! This is now my favorite RuWear of the season.
Jiggly Caliente – Serving classy fish.
Chad Michaels – Strutting in Giraffe-Realness deliciously.
Milan – Dude Looks Like A Dude.
Willam – Blowup Doll + TJ Hooker = Willam plays yet another prostitute on TV.
Phi Phi O’ Hara – “Those look like old swimming trunks I used to wear,” said Loretta Devine. I can’t really top that comment but what was up with the wonky eye?
Dida Ritz – Someone got her skirt and wig from the Claw Game.
Kenya Michaels – Rocky Bilbo Baggins.
Sharon Needles – Madonna two weeks before the Superbowl.
Latrice Royale – Pageant Royalty.
So to wrap up the episode: everybody loves Cher. Milan is told it’s a drag queen competition and she’s giving drag king. Chad wins. Chad cries. Willam cries but still manages to talk about being on Boston Public with Loretta Divine. Phi Phi cries. Did they not let these girls sleep the night before? Honestly, I think it was this episode where it became a reality to the queens that everyone but one has got to go.
And the line of the season goes to RuPaul, “Impersonating Beyonce is not your destiny, child.”
Milan and Kenya are in the bottom two. Vogue! Milan serves ballroom voguing with a dose of cray-cray. Milan really likes to sweep the floor with various body parts, doesn’t she? Sweep girl, sweep! This week it’s little Kenya’s turn to sashay away.
What was on top of Willam’s head when he took his hat off as he walked of stage? Maybe that’s where he hides his humility. Sadly, I think it was just cum rags.
What did you think of the Snatch Game? Who gave you everything? Who served up a hot pile of steaming shitake? Sound off below! If you think I’m funny then check me out on Twitter (@ThePandoraBoxx), Facebook (www.facebook.com/thepandoraboxx) and YouTube (www.youtube.com/gayshow).
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