Being queer isn’t always a riot—unless we’re talking about Stonewall—but many times, we’re funnier than anyone else because we poke fun at offending targets with aplomb while also making light of our own quirks and foibles (and sex habits). I’ve rounded up some up and coming queer comics and asked them for their best material, even jokes where we are (lovingly) the punchline. Let’s laugh along and carry on.
“I work at an office where I'm the only gay guy surrounded by straight people. My coworkers treat me like I'm some sort of exotic gay pet. Like, my boss will ask me to recommend a trendy restaurant for her to eat at or the secretary will ask me to critique her outfit. Or the guy in marketing will ask me what it feels like to get fucked up the ass. And I'm like, ‘You work in Marketing. You know what it feels like.'”
“My favorite American Idol contestant of all time was Katharine McPhee. When she sang ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow,’ they cut away to her father in the audience, and he was crying. That really moved me because my father used to cry every time I sang that song as a child. You know, during my pageant days.”
“I've never really understood the premise of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. You have these five gay guys, and they show up at the straight guy's apartment, and they do everything they can to make his life better. But have straight guys really been so wonderful to the gay community over the years that they're now deserving of this royal treatment from us? At my high school, the reality show would have been called Personal Injury Lawsuit for the Straight Guy.”
“I like to think of the female body the same way that I think of the South in the sense that I'm from there and I've visited, but I don't know if that's where I want to raise my kids.”
“I'm a black queer man, also known as a gospel choir director.”
“I consider myself an ally to the straight community. I do tons of straight outreach.”
“I walk into straight clubs the same way white guys walk into black barber shops.”
“I don't care what I identify as. People try to insult me by saying, 'Oh my god, you look like a man.' Yes, and men are also good looking. What's your point?”
"I am a woman, but I know my hair is confusing. I can be an Asian man or a lesbian. Two for one!”
“My brother disowned me when he found out I was trans, but I try and take the high road. When I heard that he and his wife had a child, I sent them the nicest greeting card. It said 'Congratulations! It's a boy! For now!'”
“Tranny's a bad word, but I've been called way worse. The other day, a guy called me 'sir.' I said 'Look, buddy. Just because I'm trans doesn't mean I'm any less of a lady.’ He said, 'Fine. Please stop peeing on my lawn, ma'am.'"
"When women sleep around, they're considered sluts. When gay men do it, it's considered networking."
“You know what the gay motto is, right? If you can’t have a happy home, wreck one!”
“The worst part about gay marriage being legal is now family members think they’re getting invited to my first divorce.”
“Straight men afraid to pee next to gay men at a urinal are homophobic. All we want to do is chop your penis off.”
“The stereotype of gay men being promiscuous is extremely offensive, and I guarantee the thousands of men I’ve slept with will agree.”
"When I told my family I was a vegan, they were very surprised, but they were not surprised when I came out as gay. Apparently, me putting a dick in my mouth was a lot more conceivable than me ever saying no to a cheese tray."
"Gay dating is a nightmare. All anyone's looking to do is fuck. On Grindr, at least they get right to the point. On Tinder, the guy wants to have an hour-long conversation and then he wants you to bring your three roommates over for a gang bang. My roommates are ready for a gang bang whenever, but don't make me do all that typing first."
“The best part of being LGBTQ is going for specific procedures and actually getting excited for them. I recently went for an endoscopy and colonoscopy at the same time. Basically, I had one up me and one down me, or as they like to say in our community, ‘the perfect date.'”
“I get more compliments in an LGBTQ club. Guys come up to me and say, ‘Your voice reminds me of Barry White!’ I think to myself, ‘That is hot! Deep voice, sexy.' Then we get outside, and my friends tell me, ‘The guy said Betty White.’ Hey, out of the four Golden Girls, I think I would rather be known as the living one!”
“As a man, I slept with gay men. As a trans woman, I sleep with adventurous straight men. Gay men are way better—they look better, they smell better, they have sex better. The last straight guy I was with, right before he put it in, screamed out something no gay man would ever say—the four least sexy words in the English language: ‘Alexa, play the Eagles.'"
“I was in a relationship with a cisgender gold star lesbian once. She had never in her life touched what I have going on down there. We hooked up on our first date and she started scissoring me, which, surprise, isn't a pleasant experience for a penis. But I liked her a lot and I wanted to go to bed, so I faked an orgasm for the very first time in my life. That was the night I became a woman.”