'RuPaul's Drag Race': Pandora Boxx Ru-cap

[caption id="attachment_44820" align="aligncenter" width="607" caption="Ru, Kenya, DILF"][/caption]

“Top four!  Add no mo’!  Top four!  Add no mo’!”

I’m sorry but as RuPaul said, “Nice try, Norma Rae.”  (Don’t get that reference?  Google it, bitch.) This wouldn’t be RuPaul’s Drag Race without it’s fair share of scandal and this week’s is the return of a departed queen.  That queen is… little Kenya Michaels.  No shock there.  Especially if you watched Untucked.  She wrote that scathing letter to all the other queens so of course they’d bring her back.

Now it’s time for some love to the bear community, well, sort of.  Each queen is giving a Papa Bear that they must turn into a Mama Bear.   The dolls doll up their bears and Chad’s is Jiggly Caliente Bear, Sharon’s is Scare Bear (no surprise there), Kenya’s is La Transbear (and can I please have whatever Kenya is on?  It looks like a fun trip), Latrice gives us Portia the Pooh and again a non-shocker Phi Phi gives us Princess Bitch Bear.   I think she should have named her bear, Just Bitch.  Oh wait, did Chad Michaels just call it, “Booger Bear?”  Yes!  Even better.  Kenya’s Transbear wins.  It was pretty cute.  The best part of this whole mini-challenge is that the bears will be auctioned off for the Bear To Make Difference Project which supports the Matthew Shepard Foundation to erase hate.  Halleloo!

Just when you thought #RPDR couldn’t go any further into the realm of cray-cray, let us now present to you some DILFs.  That’s Dad I’d Like to Frock.  Oh the pun of it all!  Holy Hot Sauce!  Some of these dads I would like to frock and frock again.  Hello Chris and Rick!  Call me!  1-800-HOT-BOXX.  I’m waiting to frock you up.

Where was I?  So, Kenya gets to pick who’s dad goes with who and her partner in crime Poo Poo gives her magic wonky eye to tell little Kenya what to do.  All the daddies are paired up with their sons?  Daughters?  Tricks?  Sisters?  Cougar MILFs in Chad’s case?  Ah!  Come on, I love Chad!  It’s just a joke people.  Whatever their pairing really is, they have to make their DILF look like their part of the family.  They must put together a strip tease number… Ok. I need to stop.  I’m laughing as I am typing this.  But it gets better, for their runway look they must be pregnant.  HA!  Child, I fell out.  Oh, Drag Race producers you wicked, wicked fiends!  Now, while I laugh hysterically we get some workroom antics.

Latrice, “You have to get rid of your manhood.”

Leeland, “Can you just tape it to your leg or something?”

Latrice laughs and says, “Serving moose knuckle.”

That funny exchange about hiding candy made me pee.  It also made me think about how far down Leeland would be taping his Wang Dang Doodle to his leg.  Above or below the knee?  He does have six kids so someone wanted to climb on top of him and do their business, repeatedly.

Ru enters the room to check the goods out.  Phi Phi says everything will be fine, again.  To which Ru replies, “Sometimes you’ve said that and it wasn’t fine.”  Maybe a nice bitch slap would help her?   I just really want Ru to slap her.  Just once.  Ok, maybe twice.  I know she’s playing the bitch card but just once I’d like her to listen to someone else.  Onward to Chad and James and we find out that James is a diva who knows how she wants to look.  Go girl!  Then we step through the wardrobe and cross over to Narnia, or Sharon Needles and Mike.  Oh, Mike.  Mike wants to bring out his inner diva and seems to think by rubbing his nipples they will release the Drag Genie and grant him tits or something.  Just when you think it can’t get any more awkward he lays this line on Ru, “The only problem I’m having is that I think I’m having a baby elephant.  Wanna see his trunk?”

Record scratch.

I have three words for the strip tease rehearsals.  Hot.  Ass.  Mess.  But how gloriously fun it was to watch!  Sharon’s DILF Mike was straight up John Goodman as Linda Tripp on SNL (Google it.  I keep saying this because so many people don’t get references but seem to forget how easy it is to look something up to find out.  Lame.).   Phi Phi’s DILF is a straight up dude.  Latrice’s is a lost Wayan Brother.

It seems pretty much a given that all of these dads have to be really open minded since they are on a show about drag queens and are willing to get in drag.  Then we find out just how cool Phi Phi’s DILF is when she asks what he would do if one of his daughters was gay.  Chris says, “It is what it is.”  It’s so beyond refreshing and amazing to see heterosexual males completely fine with homosexuality.  Especially, since we have potential candidates for President of the United States who vehemently spew hatred about gay people.  Thank you Drag Race for showing that we all can get along.

Phi Phi breaks down when talking about her dad and the fact that they don’t speak.  It’s truly sad to me when families disown their own children for being gay.  It more than saddens me, it disgusts me.  Perhaps Phi Phi’s hard exterior is a result of this?  Chris says to Phi Phi, “One day he’ll realize what he was missing out on.”  Aw!  I love this dad even more.  Why can’t more dads be like that?

The theme of accepting homosexuality continues when Chad and James talk about gay marriage.  Chris asks, “Why call it marriage if it offends so many people.”  Chad explains that it’s equality for all and that Adam (Chad’s partner) wouldn’t even be able to come visit him in the hospital if he were sick, since it would be only family members.  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  It’s things like that and a slew of other rights we are denied.  It has nothing to do with all the religious crap people unload on it.  Keep the religion out of it because there are lots of people who get married and have no religion.

And back to the show!

After all this positivity it wouldn’t be Drag Race if we didn’t jump right back into some drama.  Surprisingly this time it’s DILF Mike who is serving it up.  I know he did not just come for Chad?  Chad gives it right back with a bleep filled throw down.  Was Mike just on a ‘roid rage or was he just trying to make good TV?  Thankfully we find out later, it was the latter.  Mike says, “Ain’t no fun unless there’s drama.”

Hold the phone.  Hold the damn phone.  Is Kenya Michaels helping her DILF tuck?  Gasp and swoon I just caught the vapors.  Not that there is anything sexual about tucking.  Trust me on that one.  But I wouldn’t have minded checking out the goods.  We hear Rick say, “I think the balls are too big.”  I’m ok with that.


RuPaul is giving us Barbarella 2012 with her fabulous hairdo and going for that easy-clean-up with her plastique gown.

Guest judges are the ever-gorgeous Jennifer Love Hewitt and the super funny and adorable Jesse Tyler Ferguson who is another one I’d love to see added to a permanent judging panel.  This ginger is capital F.U.N.N.Y!

The strip tease numbers are all a bit of a train wreck to watch but yet oh so fun.  The worst being Kenya and Lil’ Mama, mainly because it looked like Lil’ Mama was about to hurl at any moment or that she needed to poop.  The winner of the best DILF drag name is hands down: Robin Mansions.  Killer!  But her look was a little like Daryl Hannah stars in Kill Bill Vol 24.  Wait.  Is that Niecy Nash or Sharelle Royale?  Oh, hold up.  There is another celebrity in the house!  Isn’t that Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks with Chad?  But regardless of the celebs on the runway, the winner of the best look is DILF Chris as GiGi O’Hara.  They definitely looked like a sister or mother(father)/daughter team.

Cheers to Jesse Tyler Ferguson for this quip about Robin Mansions: “Apparently Marilyn Manson does have a uterus.”

And then it gets better!

Jesse Tyler Ferguson on Robin Mansions, again, “She’s reminds me of AL Pacino in drag and not in a good way.”

Sharon Needles replies, “Robin Mansion’s face repels beauty and I love that.  Nothing makes a woman feel prettier than standing next to this one over here.”  This bitch kills me!

Oh wait!  It gets even better with RuPaul’s retort,” Well that’s why I hang out with Michelle Visage.”  Blam!  Bitch Pudding!  So G.D. funny it hurts me.

We find out from the DILFs that James would schtup himself in drag, Sharelle is a mirror loving ho and that GiGi had “the elephant all the way back to the water hole.”

Before we get to the winner of the challenge, I can’t not give a shout out to another Jesse Tyler Ferguson gem about Latrice and Sharelle, “I’m not seeing the family resemblance.  Here’s two friends in a Tyler Perry movie.”

So Phi Phi wins this challenge and I agree with it.  She also has an emotional break down on stage and it really is truly touching.  I like her when she’s not acting like a rotted crotch.

Can we just talk about the DILFs in the Interior Illusions Lounge and them all high fiving each other like they are watching a game.  Absolutely priceless.

It ends up being Kenya and, sadly, Latrice Royale in the bottom two.  The appropriately fitting (You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman is their LSFYL song.  Let’s just add that they are doing this song pregnant which is hysterical.  Kenya flip-flopped her own interpretive dance to the song while Latrice stands there.  Now when I say stand there I mean STANDS there and serves it down.  DOWN!  She felt it. She lived it and shanté she stays.   Kenya is sent home, again which is the same thing that happened to Carmen when she came back last season.  Guess the judges aren’t very good at clocking a comeback.

So which dad would you like to frock?  Are you happy with the final top four?  Who’s your pick to take it all?  And did anyone else notice that Sharon motioned down when she said, “Amen?”  She slays me!

Let’s talk more about Drag Race and fabulous sparkly things on my Facebook and my Twitter.  And look for my new single “Nice Car!” on iTunes and on April 24th!

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