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'The Bachelorette' Recap: The Rap Video Vixen and the Meatheads

[caption id="attachment_104161" align="aligncenter" width="500"]"I'm glad Des cleared up that she is not a rapper," says Straight Guy #1. "I'm glad Des cleared up that she is not a rapper," says Straight Guy #1.[/caption]

I really miss Sean's shirtless introductions to every show.  Is it possible, producers at ABC, to bring him back for shirtless cameos?  It really brought a level of joy to my Bachelor watching that right now I'd say The Bachelorette is lacking.  This week is a bit special because I have TWO Straight Guys giving me comments, with the role of Straight Guy #1 still being played by this guy. Alright, let's get to it.

One-on-One with Brooks

My mom, who I watched with last week, said that she read in the newspaper somewhere that Des will pick Brooks based on the fact that their faces look similar... because I guess that's a thing self-involved people do.  I will also venture to say that Des might pick Brooks because they are similar in the fact that they are two of the most watered down people existing on this planet.

[caption id="attachment_104162" align="aligncenter" width="500"]Do these two look alike? Do these two look alike?[/caption]

First, Des takes Brooks to the top of the Hollywood sign.  Both of them talk about what inspires them in life, yada yada, but really the main even is their sexy first kiss.  I do think these two have chemistry, I'll give them that.  Next, Des takes Brooks on a surprise dinner and pretends to get lost in a "scary" neighborhood in LA.  Brooks says that, "the first thing you see is, like, graffiti all over the walls," so he's shaking in his Salt Lake City boots.  Because, YES, Brooks, the execs at ABC would really let you drive around in an actually dangerous part of LA in a Tiffany Blue Bentley.

And now Brooks only has one more thing to check off his list in the game of Get. That. Rose!:  Brooks opens up about some family shit, proving he's vulnerable to Des.  CHECK.  Rose administered.  Then the two dance to some band playing just for them, and I will not even attempt to Google that band's name and type it here because you're welcome.

Group Date

I think Mikey T. said it best: "Des is in a purple dress, mansion, sportscars... and I'm still thinking: what are we doing?!"  Well, Mikey T., you big, loveable meathead, I think you've just walked onto the set of the absolute worst rap video ever created. Ever.

[caption id="attachment_104178" align="aligncenter" width="500"]Straight Guy #1: "This rap video seems... wrong?" Straight Guy #1: "This rap video seems... wrong?"[/caption]

So, Soulja Boy for some super odd reason helps Des and her men film the video for the song, "The Right Reasons," and Straight Guy #1 says, "June 3rd, approximately 8:32 p.m.... that's when Soulja Boy hit rock bottom."  Really, there's not much point in saying much else about this entire debacle because it was just utterly that bad.  I don't want to relive it.  The only thing I want to relive is Juan Pablo in those gold chains:

[caption id="attachment_104181" align="aligncenter" width="500"]Yes. Definitely here for the right reasons...[/caption]

Oh yeah, Ben got the group date rose, and now he has a MAJOR target on his back.  The producers had to create SOME sort of drama and it seems a group of mindless, thick-necked, men aren't hard to manipulate into thinking that a guy who is sweet and thoughtful and really interested in Des is the scum of the Earth.  As Straight Guy #2 said in exasperation about Mikey James, "his neck is bigger than his face!"  That's what we're working with this season, folks.

One-on-One with Bryden

Des' date with Bryden is pretty emblematic of every other date and alone time she's had with the men this season, and Straight Guy #1 sums it up perfectly: "Every guy is just coming at her hard with serious shit off the bat, and she is eating it up.  This never works in real life.  If I told a girl everything about me within 15 minutes of meeting her, she would never speak to me again."

[caption id="attachment_104183" align="aligncenter" width="500"]Straight Guy #1: "Kiss her you idiot...so awkward." Straight Guy #1: "Kiss her you idiot...so awkward."[/caption]

Straight Guy #1 has a major point. On any normal, real life date, Bryden would've struck out hard.  First of all, he brought printed out pictures of his injury's from a major car accident he was in (so many No's); second of all, he wouldn't even kiss her in the hot tub when she was giving him major "kiss me" eyes.  Somehow this guy gets a rose, maybe it's because he's a war vet and Des says, "it is nice to look into his eyes 'cuz there is something there."

Rose Ceremony

Des sends home Will, Robert and Nick.

And in case there's any question, yes, she kept around Brandon who told her: "I'm not an Ivy League school guy... but I was born."  As Straight Guy so aptly puts it again, summing up so many things about the guys this season: "Way to undersell it."

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