Sick and tired of stupid bee stings and stupider vegetables, children the world over rejoiced at news that the mysterious malady massacring honeybees en masse since 2005 has expanded drastically, wiping out 40 to 50 percent of the hives needed to pollinate everything from cauliflower to cantaloupe. Unable to foist healthful fruits and vegetables upon fussy kids, moms will be forced to serve dessert every night, dealing a serious blow to Michelle Obama's comprehensive initiatives.
Befuddled scientists have been scrambling to pinpoint a cause for so-called colony collapse disorder. Leading experts suggest that a new form of pesticide called neonicontinoids is causing brain damage in honeybees. Not surprisingly, the pesticide industry denies any wrongdoing. When biotechnology behemoth Monsanto was implicated in bee colony collapse, the company bought an international research firm—adorably called Beeologics—devoted to studying and protecting bees in order to better control the flow of information from unruly scientists.
Albert Einstein once said: "If the bee disappears from the surface of the earth, man would have no more than four years to live. No more bees, no more pollination … no more men!"