The Mayor of Hell, Michigan, Impeached For Banning Straight People
A gay man became the mayor of Hell, Michigan, this week and wasted no time getting to his first order of business: Banning straight people.
Elijah Daniel's political career began on Wednesday, as part of the town's "Mayor for the Day" program, a popular tourist stunt.
"The other day I got high and Googled the easiest political office to hold," he explained. "I called towns for two days and, as of today, I have been named the legal mayor of Hell, Michigan."
hello, i would like to be the first U.S. mayor to go on record and say "eating ass is dope"
— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017
Mayor Daniel—or Gayor, as he preferred to be called—felt that, to keep the children of Hell safe, heterosexuals had to be prevented from entering the town.
"Growing up, I was always told that homosexuals would go to Hell. Now the heterosexuals are trying to take this from us too," he wrote in a official declaration.
As acting mayor of Hell, Michigan I hearby ban all heterosexuals from entering our town. pic.twitter.com/uDuGWFATmS
— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017
I love straights, but my #1 priority is the safety of my town. Until the heterosexual threat has been reviewed we cannot allow them to enter
— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017
yes I am the first u.s mayor to ban heterosexuality but i hope my act of bravery will inspire fellow politicians to ban straights as well
— former mayor elijah (@elijahdaniel) August 30, 2017
Alas, Daniel's decree got him impeached before his term was up: Just an hour after declaring the ban, the town fathers yanked his title.
"Although I enjoyed my time as mayor, I've been informed that I've been impeached as mayor of Hell," he tweeted. "This will not affect my presidential run."
Perhaps the funniest part of the whole experience was how enraged straight people became over being "oppressed" for a few of hours.
As short as it may have been, we thank you for your service, Mayor Daniel.
